Somewhere Only We Know.
I know it sounds stupid and selfish and just i don’t know why but I’m sitting with 4 boxes of paracetamol in front of me and I just want to swallow them and die, I know it sounds stupid because I don’t have much wrong with my life, but it’s quite simply that I just don’t want to live anymore, I don’t want to carry on living because what happens is that live just fucks us up, fucks us up even more than we already are, I don’t want that, the only reason I couldn’t do it is for bob, he’s lost a son from suicide, his wife, mother, and sister all died in the space of 12 years and I just couldn’t leave him. He means far too much too me. And the fact that he might have bowel cancer makes it worse, If anything happens to him, or if he died, I honestly couldn’t continue. I know talking about someone’s death isn’t nice or even thinking about it isn’t nice. But I can’t help it, when I got told he was getting tested I thought negative, I instantly thought what if he had cancer, I never thought he doesn’t have cancer because he’s a fighter, if he dies I wi slowly die inside so I will have no other choice that too swallow the pills, I know it’s selfish, because there is silly people out there who love me and my death might hurt them but I just don’t want to live anymore.
I know I’m not fat I can say it I’m not being big headed but after today’s shower I stood in front of the mirror naked and I hated what I saw. So much so I dug my fingers into the skin and myself bleed. I don’t know but it felt nice.
I still can’t stay on scales though, my weight still worries me, I can’t go over seven stone again, the doctors will not feed me any more weight gain tablets, I will just do what I did over and over again, I don’t want to take laxatives and put my fingers down my throat again, I fought bulimia I don’t want it again.
I feel really shit about another thing Cheryl and Lauren are amazing musicians. Laurels unbelievable for playing for such a short time, but seriously I feel I’m letting them down. I don’t think I can sing that good, I enjoy it but I’m not great and I don’t want to let them down.
I also really like Mark so much, like I can’t explain it, he’s amazing and lovely and one of the nicest amazing guys ever and I know that he would never like me because I’m a skinny, ugly, specky, big lipped, giant thighed, flat chested ugly excuse for a girl.
I’m a fucking ridiculous excuse for a human, I just need to fake a smile and get on with it. I want to die. Like now.
I fucking give in.
